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12:50am 16/04/2005
mood: chipper
i got a new car. it's a bright red 2004 chevy cavalier. its beautiful. and i am now dating the guy who sold it to me, weird. his name is keith. he's 28 and he's pretty cute. however, my dog hates him, she bit him twice. and my brother-in-law isn't too fond of him either. but its not like i want to marry him so no one has to like him.
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its about time   
01:36am 30/03/2005
  well i haven't updated in a long while so i thought i would. to start with i was promoted at walmart, i now work in the accounting office. i like it because i don't have to work with customers anymore. yeah. and naturally the increased pay is good. i just get to basically count thousands of dollars all day long. the other day my deposite was for almost $70,000. it's really weird to work with that much money. it doesn't even seem real, the money kind of loses all it's value after a while and it doesn't seem as incredible. my sister is pregnant again. last year she had a miscarriage and almost exactly a year later she's pregnant again. she finds out what it is april 19. i've recently moved out of my parents house. my sister and brother-in-law needed help paying rent so i moved in with them. and i plan on going to college in the fall. i want to be a vet assistant. i'm kind of scared to go back to school because i've been out for so long, it seems that i've forgotten everything i learned. that's the proplem with school, none of it sticks. they spend half the year reviewing everything you learned in the previous year because you've forgotten it all. maybe school should be made into a year round thing. of course when you get out you still forget everything. i took spanish for four years and i hardly remember even the basics. what's really pathetic is that my mom took french for four years and high school and remembers more french then i do spanish. bobby's back. i talked to him twice. he seems to have changed. i'm not sure if that's good or bad. i always hate change. it takes me so long to adjust to something that when it changes it just fucks it all up. life's still pretty boring in cheyenne. i've been partying with some people from work, the bad thing about partying with people you work with is that if you do something stupid they all know and then everyone else at work knows. the other night i got so drunk that i blacked out, that's never happened to me before, it's kinda scary. especially when you find out that you had sex with some guy and you hardly even remember what he looks like. i think i'll lay off the alcohol for a while. who knows i could be pregnant too. ha ha. that would suck. my parents would kill me. i'd have to tell them the father is some military guy whose first name i vaguely remember and whose last name i'm pretty sure i never knew.

when i started this journal i was a 17 year old virgin now i'm a 20 year old slut. i guess sleeping with three guys can't really be qualified as a slut. of course my parents might not see it that way. my sister's only had sex with one man and she's married to him and about to have his baby. how boring that would be. one man. forever. even the wedding vows sound ominous.
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11:04pm 03/01/2005
  I'm just a normal man
I wouldn't hurt nothing at all
but here we are
our leaders have a plan
I'd only kill if its for them
now here we are

I drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this its just you and me
I'll blow your fucking head off for my country

I go to church and tithe
I go to work in a suit and tie
but this is war
I'm really not sure why
but the TV says that you are wrong
now here we are

My feet hurt from the sand
but shill I march on gun in hand
cause this is war
this sin't what I'd planned
I wanted to be so much more
but this is war.
06:07pm 22/06/2004
  I haven't written anything for a long time, not that anything has happened, well nothing I'd write about in a public forum. I just forgot to put the l in public so for about 5 seconds it said pubic forum, and that has been the hi-lite of my day. pathetic. Of course I am being ravaged by a bug that makes me puke up everyhing I try to eat or drink. Ever thrown up milk. I wouldn't recommend it. If you're throwing up stay away from dairy products, they dont taste very good coming back up. Now that I've shared that valuable gem of information I can retire to my sick bed. I just realized that saying "i am being ravaged by a bug" kind of sounds like a really gross sexual fetish. Wow, now i have a new hi-lite of the day and a very gross image that will probably torment me in my sleep for years to come. Drama cures the bored, sick soul. I feel so much better. Now please excuse me while I go dry heave over toilet. A lovely parting image.  
11:16pm 22/03/2004
  i think i'm entirely too serious sometimes. i've been reading some of my "journal" entries and i'm always contemplating the meaning of life or wailing about my confusion. however, today that all sounds grandly boring. today was an all right day, i got to work with jessica and i like working with her. i wish there was some way that i could become better friends with her because i think she'd be fun to hang out with, but i've never been very successful at friendships and i'm not really sure how to start one. i was also working at the service desk today instead of cashiering and i like that much better than cashiering. i'm not really sure why. i guess maybe because it's a little more challenging and a little less monotonous (i have no idea how to spell that). you're never really sure what you're gonna have to deal with next. like today, this guy was trying to return this tv. it was the same maker however the tv did not match the box or the receipt so i said he couldn't return it which leaded to him yelling at me and me smirking at him and finally him calling me a fucking bitch and storming out, leaving the tv behind i might add. dumbass. i know it sounds weird but that made my day. i love that i pissed him off. i'm so immature, but oh well, you gotta take fun where you can get it. now with cashiering you ring it up, bag it, take their money and say "have a nice day" with some meaningless chatter in between. at the service desk there's more variety and less customers. at wal-mart 200% satisfaction is gaurenteed and our managers are pussies. they're afraid to piss any customers off so they always give them what they want and it pisses me off at times but oh well, don't want to get my blood pressure up right. god i'm not even making sense, maybe i should try sleeping though i seem to have forgotten how. i hate insomnia. sense i'm losing track of what i'm saying, or rather writing, i think it's time to give up  
04:59pm 13/03/2004
  well my friend russell left for basic training the other day, it really sucks, we had soooooo much fun together. it seems everytime i make a good friend they leave, it's really annoying. of course maybe it's good that he left seeing as i was getting drunk and stuff with him almost 3 times a week. i can finally catch up on my lost sleep. still, i'm gonna miss him. my other friend sarah has started dating a recovering alcoholic so now she's given up drinking and most of my other friends are 21. it looks like i either need younger friends or to quit my partyin ways. i was sorta seeing this one guy for a while, but he...i don't know he just seemed years older than me, he was 26 and i am 19, it's not really that far apart in years but i guess in experiences it's a pretty wide margine. oh well, as much as i tried, i couldn't really form and emotional attachment to him. sometimes i wish i had the kind of fickle emotions that allowed me to fall in and out of love really easily. alas that doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.

my sister and her boy friend have decided to get a puppy. now this might not seem like a big deal but when you factor in the fact that my sister hates dogs and then that the dog is 1/2 coyote---it could be a problem. oh well, maybe they can consider it practice for when she gets pregnant again.
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11:03pm 05/03/2004
mood: nothing much
i think i've inherrited my mother's luck with friends. sometimes i wish i could have a friend who i could trust with everything. i don't think that's likely to happen. it's not like i have a lot of secrets or anything but i'm such a reserved person that i don't open up. i wish i could have a friend who i could. i used to have bobby but he's pretty much gone. i hate moving on but....i guess it's time. life suck sometimes. i wonder why we bother. i'm not saying lets all kill ourselves, i just wonder what's the point? do you know?
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12:03am 01/03/2004
mood: bitchy
i hate people. fuck everyone, literally, figuratively, who cares, just fuck em.
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11:15pm 23/02/2004
  i was reading bobby's journal, it's kind of depressing to read about his life and know that i'm not really a part of it anymore, i miss him a lot. my friend russell reminds me a lot of bobby. he's gay and depressed and angry and that's how bobby was when he lived here. i really like russell. it sucks cause he'll be leaving in a few weeks, he joined the airforce. it seems everyone leaves. being a military kid you'd think i'd be used to it. i guess it's better to keep attachments to a minimum.  
10:11pm 13/01/2004
  my sister was pregnant. she lost her baby today. isn't life grand?  
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11:41pm 12/01/2004
  Do you ever feel like your future's closing in on you? Sometimes I wish I had no future, I wish I could ignore the future and live for the present. I wish I could just live. i'm always bored and i'm always alone and I don't really know how to change. i have friends at work but they're just at work, i don't know how to form any sort of attachment to people or to inspire people to become attached to me. why do other people make it seem so easy? sometimes i envy my sister, she has friends and a boyfriend and people outside of her family to care about. I have no one except for bobby and i love him, but he's all the way in vegas and even if he was here it's not like i'd tell him how i feel, i have issues with being able to talk to someone face to face and tell them how i feel. god, sometimes i just wish i could change. i have no idea where i'm going in life. working at walmart isn't exactly a promising job and it's not like there's a future in it for me. i wish i could just throw all my worries and insecurities away and just be. But i don't know how and i don't know where to start. sometimes i wonder what would happen if i die. i don't want to die and it's not like i'd kill my self ( i thinks it's the most cowardly and hurtful act someone can commit, especially if they're leaving people behind). i just wonder who will be at my funeral that actually knew me, what would be said about me, she worked at walmart, she was well liked by her co-workers and leaves behind a very loving family. i know i'm loved and i wish i could just be happy with that, i guess that's the curse of human nature: always want more. no matter how happy a person is, no matter how much money and respect and power and love, there's always something more. i just want to be content, not even necessarily happy, just content. I want I want I want.............

I'm stuck, no where to go
there's no steps foreward of back
my future's blank
a black wave of panic is descending
all i can do is wait for it to choke me
now a blue wave of despair is on my back
chasing me through my mind
taunting my failures.
moving in next is a red haze of anger
all i have left to combat the despair
black, blue, red it all fades to gray
as my present becomes my future and
i'm lost in the fog………..

aren’t I poetic.
10:44pm 02/12/2003
  i was just reading bobby's journal and he was talking about maybe having a drinking problem. i hope not! i've never understood how alcoholism can be called a disease. i actually got in to an argument with my psychology teacher in 11th grade because she kept saying it was a disease and i didn't agree with her. i don't understand...how can people compare alcoholism to cancer. people don't choose to have cancer they just do, you can choose whether or not to drink. if you see you drink too much stop. don't whine about it being a disease. not that bobby's doing that or anything. it just got me to thinking.

anyways, i was watching the news today, which is really quite amazing for me, i hate the news. but there was this guy on there talking about how black people should compensated for how their ancestors suffered as slaves. god, that really pissed me off. why the hell do they deserve money for something that someone they've never met suffered. if they get it they i'm gonna got to england and demand compensation for something my ancestors suffered. hello, i'm irish and scottish, i think i have a case seeing as england fucked with them for centuries. bloody english. anyways, where did we slave-holders get our slaves, duh, we had to have bought them from someone. they're sitting there whining for money when their own people are the ones who sold them into slavery in the first place. get a life. i guess i need to get a life too if i'm sitting her complaining about this, i don't think my computer cares about it so .....now i'm making no sense, time to get drunk....
life sucks   
10:36pm 02/11/2003
  is death such a bad thing?  
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09:35pm 24/08/2003
  my new dog likes to chew on everything. he especially likes wires for some reason. i bought him this little rope toy with a tennis ball in the middle and he systematically tore the ball apart from the rope, now he's working on the destruction of the rope. crazy cracker. he's really cute though and he does have some redeeming qualities. sleeping, however, isn't one of them. he prowls around all night, going upstairs then downstairs, then upstairs... it's like he's pacing. he's crazy. and on wednesday he's gonna get his balls snipped off. i haven't told him yet. i'm expecting he probably won't be happy about it. oh well, lifes rough and then you get your balls cut off. and on that note, adios  
08:35pm 19/08/2003
  we got a new dog. we bring him home tomorrow. his name is sam. he's a black lab and he's so cute. he's small though, smaller than jake was and jake was pretty small for a lab. he's a year old and he's soooooo cute. i know it seems a little fast seeing as jake was only put to sleep about three weeks ago, i don't like thinking about it. we had him for nine years and it sucks. i still look for him when i first come into the door. i'm not expecting sam to take his place but to just fill in some of those times when i expect to see a dog and don't. i already like him. he was so excited and he was jumping all over my dad. i can't wait to bring him home. unfortunately i have to work tomorrow so, that sucks. oh well.  
09:58pm 17/08/2003
  i'm always bitching about my life but something happened to make me appreciate it more. my friend jessie was in a really bad car accident. she got stoned with another sorta friend named megan and she let megan drive her truck home and the ended up somehow rolling the truck five times. megan wasn't hurt but the had to cut jessie out of the car and the had to fly her to fort collins. she had a deflated lung along with other injuries but she's also paralyzed from the waist down. they did surgery on her on saturday but i'm not sure how it turned out. it sucks. she's the sweetest person i've ever known she's always smiling and nice, i know she doesn't have that happy of a life, her father's an alcoholic and her mother's a stoner but she's always smiling. i wish i could be like that, i wish we all could be like that. i pray that she's all right but it's not really in my hands. life's weird and not in a good way.  
01:18am 14/08/2003
  my dog is now nothing but ashes. my brother wanted to keep the ashes, but i thought that was kind of morbid so we're gonna spread them at Vida Vu, it's a rock formation/park like place near here. he like the open so what the hell. it's weird not having him here. i think i'm over the initial grief but i just still expect to see him. it's dumb. the funeral home that cremated him sent this poem to us:

"There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors.

Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass.

When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place.

There is always food and water and warm spring weather.

The old and fail animals are young again. Those who are maimed are made whole again.

They play all day with each other.

There is only one thing missing. They are not with their special person who loved them on Earth.

So, each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks up!

The nose twitches! The ears are up! The eyes are staring! And this one suddenly runs from the group!

You have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her in your arms and embrace.

Your face is kissed again and again and again, and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated."

It was actually comforting to read it. i'm dumb
i'm so appreciated   
10:44pm 07/08/2003
  today i had to go to work. not an abnormal occurence, but my dog just died and i really didn't want to start crying at work. i don't cry in front of people, not even my family, to cry in front of people i don't really know would be mortifying. anyways after i got there i was told that i was voted cashier of the month. i get a really ugly maroon vest and a $50 gift certificate. i don't know why, it sounds really corny, but it made me feel good. it sounds so stupid i'm about ready to go and delete this sentence. well, i guess there's no need for such drastic action.

tonight, after i got home from work, my parents were gone and i saw the light on and my first thought was they left it on for jake. i just broke down and started crying in my car. i hate crying, it gives me a stuffed nose. people say crying is a good way to release emotions, but i just think it's a good way to walk around with a stuffed nose and a headache for a good part of the day. oh well, there's not really anything i can do to not cry so there's no point in complaining about it. but complain i shall.
07:56pm 06/08/2003
  well, they had to put jake to sleep. it sucks. its so weird when you think of the everyday things that will be different simply because my dog's gone. my dad looked like he'd been crying whenever i got home from dropping my mom off at the movie theater, so i knew he was dead. he was a really good dog. he'd play with you and bite at you but when ever he got you hand in his mouth he'd just let go. he never bit anyone. i guess it's stupid to be thinking about this now. it doesn't matter now. my dad's already talking about getting another dog. that kind of pissed me off, i know he loved jake as much as i do but it still pissed me off. i can't imagine how hard it would be to lose one of my parents or my brother or sister. it would be 10 times worse. i hope i die before anyone in my family dies, i know it's selfish but i really don't want to feel this grief again. of course i don't want my family to have to either. life sucks. whats the point in cultivating relationships and loving people when they're just going to die? but i guess that's a stupid question because i wouldn't give up my family for anything. i guess life doesn't necessarily suck but death sure as hell does. i read in a book once "there are no pockets in a shroud. The dead hold in their hands only what they have given." i don't really know what this has to do with jake, but i really liked the quote so i figured i'd share it and display my immense wisdom for all to see (or the 2 people who read this anyway)  
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goodbye jake, maybe, hopefully not   
11:00pm 31/07/2003
  my dog has a huge tumor in his stomache and might have to be put to sleep. i know it's stupid to love an animal as much as i love my dog but he's been my dog since 4th grade, he's like a part of the family. it's weird. kind of like an end. i hope we don't have to put him to sleep. i've never really lost someone i've loved before. i know he's just a something but i still love him. i never really thought about losing someone. one minute they're there talking to you (or barking at you) and the next minute they're gone and you can never talk to them again. death is strange. i guess if i look at myself, i'm not afraid to die. the only reason i wouldn't want to die is mostly because i know my family would hurt. i'm not saying i want to die, cause i don't, i'm just saying i don't fear it. not death itself, i do fear not knowing what happens after death. i can't believe that you live life and go through shit and find people to love just to lose it all, there's got to be more than that. i hope there's more than that. well enough of the morbid talk.  
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